How can a LAR help with conflict

I recently did a post about preparing for conflict management.  A follow-up question is when and how to involve your LAR.

The answer is: Always keep your LAR in the loop whether you ask her to be at the meeting or not.

Here is how I run my conflict meetings.

1. Everyone needs to be open-minded:
I ask everyone to come to the table with the right frame of mind.  Use empathy and patience and be prepared to talk, listen and brainstorm solutions.  Remember there are always two sides to the story and all may not be what it seems. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and avoid the temptation to make him or her out to be a villain.

2. Allow for discussion:
This meeting needs to be a safe place where everyone can and should speak freely.  Everyone takes turns and not speak over each other. That means that we must listen and communicate openly and always be respectful. Speak of specific behaviors, not generalities or use personal attacks. There is usually blame all around so try not to use accusatory language and remember that everyone is trying to reach the same goal.

3. Brainstorm for solutions:
There are no bad ideas in brainstorming.  Write them down and explore each one. Find the pros and cons to each suggestion.  You may find that while one idea may not work, it will lead to another one that will.

5.  Action Steps:
Decide what everyone’s part is and agree to follow-up until the situation is resolved.

At the end of the meeting I always ask everyone to think of that moment as a new beginning.  The old issues are in the past and everyone gets a clean slate.

Conflict managment

In addition to being a LAR, I am also a professional musician. When working with a group of people, collaboration is the key to success and as with any partnership communication is the key. I ran across a blog that speaks to musicians in conflict, but really it can be applied to any situation where disparate partners need to come together to find harmony, as it were.

The au pair/host family relationship is built on trust and communication. There is no other way around it. If we can’t trust each other we can’t communicate well and if communication breaks down then the partnership is over.

Before diving into a conflict meeting, it is important to prepare in advance. The steps below are useful for a successful conflict meeting:

1. Manage your emotions:
If you feel angry, the conversation is likely to backfire.

2. Define the problem and identify the goals and the interests:
Separate the person from the problem and focus on the desired outcome. Use empathy when discussing the issues. They may not be what they seem at the outset.

3. Decide if the time is right to resolve the conflict:
Once a conflict has been identified solving the problem sooner rather than later is better. However make sure that any stress or strife is controlled before a meeting is called. I makes no sense to solve conflict when emotions are high.

4. Ask for a meeting:
Approach the person privately and directly, either in person or on the phone. Refer to the issue as a problem, not a conflict. Ask when is a good time. If the person is busy, get him or her to commit to another time.

These are good tips for any partnership, but especially when you are hosting an au pair.

What to do with all this candy?

So Halloween has come and gone.  Or has it?  You probably have candy still in your house don’t you?  If you are like me you really don’t want it there.  It is just too tempting for the adults and kids alike to pass up.

I have been asking around to see what others do with ALL that candy.

Here are some great ideas:

•  toppings or mix it in.
• On to the next holiday—decorate gingerbread houses with leftover candy!
• Revamp your dessert recipes! Dip chocolate-covered bananas and pretzels into peanut butter cups and chocolate bars, bake chocolate bars in your pies and cakes.
• Play mad scientist! Use candy in science experiments.
• Support others! Donate your candy to Operation Stars & Stripes, Inc. or theHalloween Candy Buyback program and they will fill stockings and packages with your candy and send them to deployed troops.  Or find your local YWCA and donate your candy to kids who might not be able to celebrate Halloween.

In our house we decided that the kids could keep 30 pieces (one for every day of November)  The rest we will sell at the our dentist’s buy back program and donate the money to Feed My Starving Children.

What do you do with your candy?

House rules: setting guidelines for your au pair

I have written before on the importance of communication between host parents and au pair.  One of the best ways to make sure that everyone is starting on the same page is a Family Handbook. The beauty of a handbook is that you can tailor make it to your situation. In it you can outline all of your house rules.  From childcare to how to turn on the home alarm after you come home.

As you write it think about what is important to you.  What information do you want at your Au Pair’s finger tips:  use of appliances, smoking, visitors and guests, curfews, car use, television, phone, internet, and personal and family computers.

Provide this to your au pair in both electronic form as well as a hard copy.  Make sure that she can easily find the information she needs.

Making your house rules and regulations known from the start eliminates any confusion and sets expectations for everyone involved.

What to do about Johnny’s behavior?

Most of the time my children are very well behaved with our care givers, especially in the beginning.  They want the babysitter to like them and to play with them and so they use their inside voices and are polite to each other etc. But the more time they spend with that caregiver, they become more comfortable showing their not so angelic sides.

This is true for most kids.  Because au pairs not only are the care givers, but also live in the home sometimes the not so great behaviors show up pretty quickly.

It is important to remember that once you bring an au pair into your home they are really an extension of you.  They are part of your parenting team.  That means,of course, our old friend Communication comes into play once again.  All the adults must be on the same page, but also willing to listen and try new things.  The key is to provide consistency so that they kids cannot play one against the other (not that they would ever do that…)

Here are some easy tips:

1. Set the Rules: Have clear discipline guidelines before you even pick your au pair.  Discuss them in your interviews.  If your caregiver doesn’t respect your rules, he or she won’t necessarily enforce them. This can lead to an uncomfortable situation down the road, as well as one confused kid.
2. Stick to Them:  Consistency, consistency, consistency.  Make sure that you, the Au Pair and the children are all aware of what the consequences of bad behavior are and stick to them.
3. Empower Your Au Pair : If there are gray areas let her make the decisions and then back her up.  Just because something isn’t exactly to your standards does not make it wrong.
4. Listen to Her: Let your AP know that you are partners in discipline. You want her to be comfortable speaking to you about behavioral issues, since she spends several hours a day with your kid. You can also encourage her to call or text you if your child is throwing a tantrum or hitting his sister, and she’s not sure how to proceed.

Exploring the outside world

Part of the draw to the au pair program for young adults is the chance to travel away from home.  Once an established base has been made APs can travel free around the United States (as long as it does not interfere with the work hours)  Au pairs get 1.5 days off a week (or more depending on the need of the HF) and one full weekend, Friday night to Monday morning, a month.

In addition they get two weeks of paid vacation giving them tons of time to explore the US and even other countries if they want.

There are a few travel restrictions for Au Pairs while they are in the US on a J-1 visa

Visas and Travel Outside the United States

When you travel outside the United States, it is very important to check the expiration date in your visa. This date does not always correspond with the end date of your program. Many times a visa will expire before the end of your program year. This does not mean that you must go home. It only means that you may not travel outside the United States and come back with an expired visa. Therefore, it is very important that you check to make sure that the visa will still be valid when you plan to reenter the United States. If your visa has expired, you will not be allowed to reenter the United States, even if you are still participating in the program.

When you travel to another country, please make sure to check the entry requirements for that country. Many countries require a visitor’s visa, so you must check with the consulate of the country where you plan to travel. Information on how to obtain a visitor’s visa is available on the consulate website.

Travel During Your Extension Term

If you have been granted a program extension for 6, 9 or 12 months, this means that you are legally allowed to remain in the United States for up to an additional 12 months to continue on the Au Pair in America program. An extension of stay is for continued participation in the au pair program. However, the J-1 visa in your passport is at most a one-year visa. This means that during your program extension, it is likely that your visa will have expired. For the most part, you need a valid visa to enter the United States, and you therefore should not travel outside the country during your extension year. 

There are certain situations that would permit an au pair to travel during her extension year. When traveling outside the U.S. or to U.S. territories (Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands) during your extension term, you should bring the following documents: a valid extension DS-2019 that has been signed for travel, your I-94 card, and your valid passport with J-1 Visa. You should copy these documents and leave a copy with your host family when you travel.

Travel to Canada, Mexico and the Caribbean Islands

With some exceptions, you may not exit and re-enter the United States during your extension year after the expiration of your J-1 visa. The exception is a process known as automatic visa revalidation, which entitles many non-immigrants to travel to Canada, Mexico and the adjacent islands for up to 30 days. If you require a tourist visa to enter Canada, Mexico or islands adjacent to the U.S., you are responsible for applying for that visa. Do not surrender your I-94 card to the airline when traveling to Canada, Mexico, or adjacent islands. This card will help you to re-enter the United States. Extension au pairs may travel freely to Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands (U.S. territories with no immigration and customs).

Please note: Admission to the U.S. is ultimately the decision of the immigration officials at the port of entry. There is always a risk that traveling outside the U.S. during your extension year will result in a refusal to be readmitted to the U.S. If you do exit the United States (to areas other than Mexico, Canada and adjacent islands as permitted under “automatic visa revalidation”) without a valid visa, you risk being denied reentry into the United States by the Customs and Border Protection agents. If entry to the United States is denied in this case, you will be dropped from the program, and any transport costs will be at your own expense.

Successful Host Families

The au pair/host family is a partnership and the make the program work for everyone each side has to do their part.  I have written about what makes a successful au pair, so it is only right that I turn my focus to the other component  in the equation- The Host Family.

Before I start I want to touch again on what the Au Pair program is. I mentioned in a very early blog that having an au pair is not for everyone.   It is very important to remember that this is a foreign exchange program that involves childcare.  You are not hiring a cheap nanny or an indentured servant. The families that thrive in this program are the ones who truly want to partake in the exchange of culture.

OK, enough of that… On with the tips.

HOW TO MAKE THE TRANSITION EASIER FOR THE AU PAIR 

• Treat your au pair as a member of your family.  You should try to bond with your Au Pair, as you want her to bond with your children.
• Give her a comfortable homey space to call her own.
• Let her decorate it with items that remind her of home or make her feel as if it is truly her room. Ask if there is anything she needs in her room that haven’t thought of.
• You may not think you need to but spend the entire first week showing your Au Pair everything in your home even the appliances (and her practice).
• Moving to a new country is a HUGE transition.  Culture shock and bouts of homesickness are expected and normal for Au Pairs
• Remember to ask your Au Pair questions about her home, country, and family.  See if she brought from home and share some of you family pictures with her.
• Ask your Au Pair how you can make her feel welcome with regards to cultural differences, food, customs, etc.
• Get her learning her primary mode of transportation right away.  If that is the car taking her out driving and show her how to get from here to there, pointing out landmarks that will keep her from getting lost.   If she won’t be driving, ride the bus with her so she can become familiar with how the transit system works.
• Be sure to give your Au Pair a written schedule for the first week and every week thereafter.
• Introduce you au pair to the neighbors and your friends.
• Present role-playing scenarios, i.e. what should she do if a stranger comes to the door, how would she react if the children were acting in a certain way, and so on.
• Support and facilitate attendance to ALL Au Pair functions.
• Make a detailed host family handbook with pictures and helpful hints.  Make lots of lists and have them on view to help your Au Pair throughout the day.
• Have weekly meetings with no interruptions of the phone or children. This helps prevent small problems from becoming big problems.
• Stress the importance of family privacy.  Make certain that your Au Pair knows that what happens in your home should stay in your home. Respect her privacy as well.
• Decide how you feel about your Au Pair posting photos of your children and your home on sites such as Facebook.  If you are not comfortable with this, be sure to let her know.
• Give advance notice if she will be included in vacations, dinners out, etc.

AU-PAIR RESPONSIBILITIES:

• Au Pairs are responsible for all tasks related to the children.
• Au Pairs wash the children’s clothes and their own, not the host parents’ clothes.
• Au Pairs are to HELP with dishes and clean up as a family member only. They are not responsible for doing the entire clean up alone.

THE SCHEDULE

• Please be on time coming home, or build extra time into the schedule. At a minimum, make a phone call if you are running late.
• Post a written schedule every week, so that the Au Pair knows when she is on duty.
• Au Pairs should have 1 1/2 days off per week and one full weekend off per month.
• Vacation should be mutually agreed upon and it should be taken in 7 day increments, including weekends.  You can also have your Au Pair choose one week and you choose the other. If you however give the Au Pair more than 14 days vacation, you are still responsible for the weekly stipend.
• If the Au Pair joins you on vacation, and she will be working, provide a written schedule.
• ALL on-duty hours count, including sleeping hours.   Example: if you leave for work at 5:00 AM and the kids and the Au Pair do not get up until 7:00 AM, this is still counted as 2 work hours for your Au Pair as she is the responsible adult in the home.
• Pay your Au Pair each week on the same day without her needing to remind you.   Direct deposit into her bank account is a simple way to facilitate this.
• Decide at the beginning of the month what weekend will be your Au Pair’s weekend off.  This will give her an opportunity to make plans in advance with her friends.

ABOUT THE CHILDREN

• Empower your Au Pair. Back her up on all discipline in front of the kids, even if you disagree. The host parents and Au Pair must be a team and provide consistency for the kids.
• Never criticize an Au Pair’s decision or discuss any disagreements you have with your Au Pair in front of the kids.  Find a time to take your Au Pair aside and explain how you would like her to handle similar situations in the future.
• Be consistent: Don’t expect your Au Pair to do things that you do not do yourself.  Be sure to always set a good example.
• Understand that American children are different from children are in other countries.  Ask your Au Pair about this to find out how they are different.  This can help you foresee some challenges she may have.
• Set limits for the children and teach them to respect when your Au Pair is not working.
• Include your Au Pair in all important and meaningful children’s activities (birthday parties, celebrations, etc.)

YOUR HOME:

• Make sure there is enough food in your house for another person.
• Be sure the fridge is stocked with foods for an adult to eat, not just for kids.
• Buy some of your Au Pair’s favorite things to eat (within reason).
• Include your Au Pair in family dinners.

YOUR AU PAIR’S ROOM

• The Au Pair’s room is her private place. No personal belongings of the family can be in the Au Pair’s room.
• Children are often very excited to have a new Au Pair.  Help them to understand your Au Pair’s “off time” and privacy, especially her bedroom which must be private and off-limits to kids.
• Do not go into the Au Pair’s room without permission unless it is an emergency.
• Au Pair is responsible for cleaning her room and bathroom and keeping it tidy. Set clear expectations with regards to this.

ABOUT YOUR AU-PAIR:

• Do not ask her to work extra hours or do extra work for pay. This is against State Department Regulations.
• Talk about your expectations for out-of-town visitors, boyfriends, other Au Pairs coming over.
• Your Au Pair may be cold if she is from a much warmer climate.   Provide her with extra blankets and/or a small heater.
• Au pairs need hugs and kisses too.
• Ask your Au Pair about her time off: Did she have fun? What did she do? etc.
• Help your Au Pair find the most inexpensive way to keep in touch with her family. Skype and Facebook are great tools for this.
• Realize that it’s important for her to spend time with age-appropriate friends.
• Be fair about your curfew. Most Au Pairs have no curfew on the weekend if not working the next morning.  One good option is to set the curfew time at 8 hours before the beginning of her next shift.
• Help your Au Pair to satisfy her educational requirement. Each Au Pair is required to complete 72 class hours and host parents are responsible to pay $500 for classes. Remember to tell your Au Pair when is the best time to take classes, as you cannot schedule her to work during the time she has class.
• Good ways to show appreciation for your Au Pair include providing a  phone card, giving a small gift, purchasing or preparing some special food you know she loves, or paying for her next Au-Pair meeting.

What ideas do you have?  Let me know.

Remember that you can view available au pairs with no obligation at goaupair.com

Electronic I-94

Let’s start with the obvious.  What is and I-94 form?  It is a card given to J-1 Visa holders by the Customs and Border Patrol (CBP). Think of it as an “admission ticket” telling a person how long they can stay and what they can do while here.

Before April 30, 2013 this was always a piece of paper physically attached to one’s passport.  This was often lost and because of that made many things quite difficult for international students, among others. Au pairs cannot obtain a driver’s license or a Social Security Number without it! And, to replace it will cost the unfortunate visitor a lot of time and money.

Now, those problems will be no more, the I-94 card is electronic! Visitors to the U.S. will no longer have a physical card stapled inside their passports. Instead, the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol officer will be stamping the passport upon entering the country.

AP’s can print this information from the CBP website using information from their visa and passport. The customs website has a great FAQ sheet that explains how to get your I-94.

A word of warning: The CBP copies the name exactly as it appears on the au pair’s visa. If a mistake is made by the Border Official, the au pair should visit the nearest Deferred Inspection Site to have the error corrected.

Education Outside the Classroom

Children’s education should not be limited to a school building and homework in the evening.  We all know that true learning isn’t just about memorizing history facts and solving math problems. Learning is an interactive — and lifelong — process of analyzing, questioning, and discussing; learning is looking for new meanings and unique applications of knowledge in every situation.

Most parent know this, but in our busy world, how do we give our children the joy of seeing this world outside academics?

Hosting an au pair is just one way to accomplish this.  It is a chance not only to learn about another culture, but to share our own and in the process learn something about it ourselves.

Here is a great article from Parents.com with seven suggestions for helping your children learn outside the classroom.  I also like to think of these as seven ways au pairs and children and the whole family can spend time together learning.  Learning about science and math, space and nature, people and culture.  

International Students at College of Lake County

I wrote a blog last week about how the laws surrounding ESL classes have changed in Illinois.  To recap: Au pairs and other people on student visas may no longer take the free ESL. They must instead register as students and take English Language Instruction.

Today I would like to concentrate on the benefits this change offers Au Pairs.  The ESL classes are designed to for legal aliens who are entering the work force. The ELI Classes at CLC are designed for students looking to further their studies.

Registering for ELI classes gives au pairs all of the benefits of being a student at CLC not the least of which is access to campus events and clubs giving them ways to connect with people their own age.

The next session begins in January!

Here is a great video that explains why these are the perfect fit for au pairs.

About ELI Classes

What are ELI classes?

ELI (English Language Instruction) courses are ESL classes for students who would like to continue studying in American colleges or universities or who would like to practice their career in the US. You will learn necessary academic language and study skills that increase your chances of succeeding in future college classes. Class size is small, homework is assigned and every attempt is made to help students reach language proficiency as quickly as possible.

Which ELI class should I take?

This will depend on your placement test score and your academic goals. If you already have a CELSA test score, you may use that score for placement. New students should take the COMPASS ELI test for placement. If you just want to improve your language in one skill only, such as grammar or pronunciation or research writing, take ELI 100 classes. If you need to improve all English skills as quickly as possible to get language proficiency to take college courses or practice a profession, you should take ELI 101-107, depending on your test score (see below). If you have attended high school in the US and you only need to improve your reading and writing skills to take college classes, you should register for ELI108 or ELI 109, depending on your test score (see below). If you are a new student in the US and are not familiar with the educational system here, you could also take ELI 125 Introduction to American College Culture. ELI 125 is college level and may be transferred to another school and counted towards graduation.